As opposed to what, leaving Earth for no reason whatsoever?
Directed by M. Night Shyamalan. 100 mins.
Worth my time? Aw, hell naw! (Seen with a friend at United Artists Berkeley 7)
Hey team, sorry I haven’t posted anything in a while. Moreover, I’m sorry that my latest review is for After Earth. I don’t need to tell you not to see it – you’re all big boys and girls with the gift of common sense. However, I must uphold my pledge to write about every movie I see from here to eternity, and I’ma uphold that promise. Even when it stings me to do so.
Despite being a terrible movie, After Earth is important because it damn near proves that Will Smith has the largest ego in Hollywood. The film is a $130 million bonding and trust-building exercise between him and his son, Jaden. Whatever happened to falling backward into your partner’s arms while your eyes are shut? Orson Welles, Quentin Tarantino, and Lars von Trier look like Jesuit monks relative to this vanity project. This is the most shallow, self-promoting piece of cinematic shit since Demi Moore starred in The Scarlet Letter.
Shyamalan continues his perfect streak of making each of his films worse than the last. It’s an impressive accomplishment when you remember that his previous movie was The Last Airbender. If you think Shyamalan sucks at directing his own stories, wait until you see him as a mercenary with no interest in the material. Nothing, nothing in After Earth has even a hint of inspiration of excitement. Rarely does one get the chance to see a director give less than a single fuck.
Will Smith is an undeniably talented actor and can be a powerful screen presence, but he spends the entire movie loafing around and mumbling as if he’s Syd Barrett circa 1983. His son is far worse: Never before have I wanted a character to suffer an agonizing death like I wanted for Jaden’s whiny teenybopper. The kid simply can’t act, and his weird quasi-British accent doesn’t help a bit. I think it was intentional, but my friend thinks it’s due to a speech impediment. If anyone can clear up this disagreement, please leave a comment.
Aside: Why does this movie take place on Earth? It could take place on any hostile planet. You wouldn’t know it was Earth unless they told you.
Aside: Where in the world do evergreen forests, tropical rainforests, volcanoes, seashore, baboons, vultures, and antelope coexist within a span of only 100 miles?
Aside: Why didn’t they just have a second fuckin’ bubble?
Aside: The Ursa creatures plagiarize the Cloverfield monster pretty shamelessly.
Aside: How could every creature have evolved to kill humans when there haven’t been humans on Earth for a millennium? I’m pretty sure whales aren’t born people-killers.
Aside: Apparently, there are no guns in the future. Or something.
(Seen and originally written on 2013-06-07)
CineSpaz 